A Weight I Can’t Explain…

My Mom, Che-Chee

They told me it would be better in a year. These people who had walked the same path I found myself on. They said that it would never be the same as before but it would be better than it was now.

I didn’t really believe them, not that I thought they were lying, I just couldn’t see how this could be true…

but

I held on…

because I couldn’t think of anything else to do, I held on to the hope that it would eventually get better.

On January 13, 2018, my mom passed away. This happened a mere seven months after my father passed away in June of 2017. The best way I can describe it is my world stopped turning…immediately… and then slowly started turning in the opposite direction. Everything was the same, but nothing seemed the same. Nothing was the same.

Grief has a weight.

Like a veil that weighs hundreds of pounds and is invisible to everyone but you. You, feel it. It shadows you and weighs you down. Almost to the point that you can’t walk. How can everyone not see it? This weight pulling me down.

So, I continued to hold on to that hope…that it would get better. If I could make it through the first year I just believed it would be better

Day after day after day after….I just kept on hoping.

There were really bad days. There were really good days. There were days that I almost…almost…forgot about this grief I was carrying.

Then…I noticed something.

It was getting easier. The grief was getting lighter.

The next think I knew it was December. I can’t really tell you a lot about how I got there but suddenly I found myself staring the anniversary in its face.

and you know what?

They were right. It really does get better. I was better. I can’t explain it any more than I can really explain how shocking the reality of death is…but I was better.

My world will never be the same. I will miss my Mom until the day I die. I will look upon all her things that surround me in our home and wish they were in her house. Now though…instead, of those thoughts stealing my breath they cause me to smile with found memories. To remember her smile. To picture her giving me advice.

They were right…it does get better.

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